I’ve had a little difficulty deciding whether to first explain what I mean by the word “submissive” as a label I’ve applied to myself (sexually) or to first explain a little about what I get out of it. I worry that if I talk of the act of submission without explaining the benefits (for me) y’all are gonna think I’m nuts.
And it’s different for everyone. Some people really get off on pain. I only recently discovered there is actually a term for having an orgasm purely induced by pain, without sexual stimulation. I am not one of these people. Not once have I ever had a “paingasm.” For me, it is the headspace I enter that is the biggest thing. And it’s all so hard to explain to someone who isn’t on the inside. But I am going to make an attempt here through a story.
I am a high energy, high stress being. Usually, at any given moment, there are roughly thirty different thoughts racing through my head. I am never fully present in the moment. There is always something else intruding on my thoughts. It doesn’t matter what I am doing. Right now, as I write this I am simultaneously thinking about the background work I just booked for tomorrow, the fact that I don’t have health insurance- which scares the hell out of a girl who used to have a brain tumor, the boy who pulled my hair on the first date who I’m not sure whether I want to see again, etc. And I’m writing this post. It’s always like that. This is why I sleep so little. I can never find that quiet, peaceful moment where nothing outside of it exists or matters.
And then, one day, I found it. That quiet. That presence. That moment where everything else fades away.
I knew what I was getting into. Some people happen upon this, I sought it out.
So when my date ordered me to take off my clothes and kneel by the door the moment we walked into his apartment it wasn’t shocking. We had talked a great deal about how it would work. I was nervous, of course I was nervous! But I did as I was told. I removed my clothes with trembling hands and kneeled before him. When I looked up into his sweet face I was ordered to keep my eyes down and I did so.
Then there was a collar. As I heard the padlock click into place to secure it, everything else disappeared. Nothing existed outside of that room. All that mattered was making sure I did as I was told and he would provide me with the sensations I earned. He would teach me how to make him happy. I didn’t have to think about anything else. There were no decisions to be made; the only choice that was left to me was to obey and be rewarded or to disobey and be punished.
And I felt free. Free from my thoughts and my worries and my ambition. Free from my job and my family and my place in the world. There, on my knees, with my collar chained to the floor, I found freedom through restraint.
Yes, there was pain. But there were also fourteen orgasms. Fourteen. Fourteen fucking orgasms in one night. There were bruises on my ass that took a solid week to heal. But the odd part was that every time I sat down and winced in pain I was brought back to that night and those orgasms and couldn’t help but be a little turned on.
But the biggest thing was how free I felt that night. For four hours, until the padlock was removed from the collar that had been placed tightly around my neck, nothing in the world existed beyond the sensations I was experiencing in that moment. And I wanted more.